Dear Diary,
So, PT goaded me into writing a sex blog and I'm totally nervous! OMG! I really want to impress all the people on the interwebz. I know that I'll never be awesome enough to win the interwebz, but the interwebz are so amazing and special and real I just want to be a part of something bigger than myself.
And maybe I AM meant for greatness... I mean, it feels like I am. Maybe this blog will bring people together, to see that we are all just people. People trying to hump. It could bring about the dawn of a new era, where we all get along because we all can acknowledge it's all about sex anyway, so we should just get it on. And enlighteneed era. If only George Carlin would suddenly appear, in a swirl of electrical effects and wind and smoke machine. If only he would step out of phone booth from the future, remove his awesome shades and say, "t8kitez, I'm here to save your blog."
"WHOA DUDE!"
He hustles over to me, "You must write the blog, t8kitez. It has to happen."
"But Rufus! I've never written a blog before! And they want it to be about sex! What am I supposed to write about? What's a girl like me got to say on the subject? And aren't you dead now?"
"Yes, but not in the year 2688 A.D. And enough with the questions, what do I look like, a white guy you can ask any question? We don't have time for this." But APPARENTLY we have time for him to check his cell phone to see if anyone texted him. I get an idea for a game... but then I remember why he's here.
"I don't know what to write about. I mean I guess I should write about something exciting, something really cool and interesting... Something sexy." I throw my hands in the air to indicate that truly, I am at my wit's end here.
Rufus gives me a grave look, "It's gotta be about sex but just like good lovin', you can't force these things. You have to be yourself. That's what's sexy."
"But Rufus, I'm a nerd! I just like nerdy stuff like TOS."
"Listen," Rufus says, rolling his eyes and beginning to look bored already, "Just write the fucking blog. I don't have time to lead you through the adventure and then the misadventure for you to gain the insight and confidence needed to do it on your own. Write a blog about the one guy in history whose knob you are sad not to have had the opportunity to polish."
"But I don't know who that would be.... I mean, at first blush there are quite a few."
"You can pick 3 guys-"
"-Can I pick Jesus?"
"NO! No one picks Jesus."
"Seems like nans to me."
"Seems like you better shut your damn mouff before I nans your face." Rufus might be a bit of a jerk. "You can pick three guys from history to go back in the time machine phone booth and meet. You cannot hump any of them. But you can meet them, to see if that help you decide."
"Which do I choose?"
"You must choose, but choose wisely."
OKAY THEN HERE GOES NOTHING:
Right out of the shoots, I have to go with Ben Franklin. I know what you all might be thinking, maybe he's pretty old and looks like a bit of an apple shape. But I bet he is a hedonist. And he coined the phrase, "Fart Proudly." A sexy time with Benny Franklin would probably begin with an amazing dinner and conversation. Something totally over the top and delicious, some kind of French cuisine. We would drink shit loads of wine. He would probably say flattering, gentlemanly things whilst getting a little grabby. He would definitely gently tweak my nip when he reached for the salt. The dessert would probably devolve from a verbal tete-a-tete over sorbet to feeding each other chocolate truffles. He could easily run intellectual circles around me but he wouldn't so I don't feel like a fool. And I bet the sex would be slow, hot and satisfying in a "rub my belly in satisfaction" kind of way. Ultimate foodie-intellectual-humps.
Second stop: Freddie Mercury. Yea. I'll say it. The guy looks like a blast. He looks like it would be like LSD sex without the need for LSD. Also, there would be a mirror on the ceiling and we would have to be in a round bed. No silk sheets though- wet spots are a little too real on silk sheets; I don't do silk sheets.
And you know? As much as I would like my third stop to be Teddy Roosevelt, my guess is he wasn't a bear in the sack.. I'd WANT him to be, is the thing. Rough Riders, you know, cigar clenched in his teeth, still wearing his cocked uniform hat and boots with spurs. But that's probably wishful thinking.
So my third pick would be a toss-up between Frank Lloyd Wright and King David. I get the feeling Wright would be a disciplinarian between the sheets. And I'd have to go back ad see if King David looked anything like the statue that Michelangelo did of him... basically, he's be in the mix as a historical "The Situation".
Who would I pick? I can't foresee at the moment. But it could be sort of like a "Shot of Love with Tila Tequila" except I am not nearly as Singaporean as she is and I don't know if all the dudes would be as interested in wearing designer tank tops. But it would be fun. And the one that I did choose? Well, that night would go down in the annuls of history. At least my personal history. Damn that would be cool.
Rufus smiles, "See? You did it. You wrote a blog."
"This blog is going to bring a new era of peace and win me the interwebz?"
"No, are you dumb? Your blog sucks its own cack. But, you started...and now it is only a matter of time."
"How can I ever thank you Rufus?"
"Just don't post the #1 of my asshole that you dared me to text you from the john."
"No can do, Slurms."
"KYS."
Believe to achieve.
Sincerely,
t8kitez
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